Movie Review Time - DVD Rental

So has anyone seen the movie, Surrogates?  This movie stars Bruce Willis and Rahda Mitchell as two FBI agents trying to track down a killer, in world where nothing is as it seems.  The premise of the movie was an equal cross of The Matrix and I,Robot.

Bruce gives his usual "take a beating, but solving the case and winning in the end" performance, James Cromwell is in it, not unlike his part in I,Robot.  The movie is sort of entertaining, but for the most part is slightly boresome.  The idea that we plug into robots and live our lives without being hurt or maintaining our weight and youth, is kind of cool, for about 2 minutes...then it gets old.  There are some good effects in it, but definitlely a tween or teen movie, that might be the audience demographic they had in mind when making it.

No good game today, only 2 out of 5 Feather Duster's for this one.

Top Ten Matthew McConaughey Movie Moments

Alright, today is a special dedication to Matthew McConaughey.  Not because he is a great thespian or has cured cancer, but, if you read the story at the bottom of this entry you will see that he is so hot!!! (OMG L-Dogg!) he turns lesbians straight...so here's to you Matt...keep hope alive bromosexual!

I will try to count down his Top Ten better film moments, as well as, add some more of his films into the mix, because it is just to damn fun watching the dude...he "Just Keeps L-I-V-I-N'", you know what I mean...that's especially for the Y-O-U...babe!

Alright some of you might disagree, but I am the commander of this vacuum, so suck it up.  I am not only going for weighty perfomances...but also style, entertainment and just plain old fun.  Ok, I know I can't have just 10, but I tried to weed (by the way there are at least three movies he is associated with weed) them out the best I could, here are the one's that I wished could have made the Top 10...but failed to live up to that honor.

• U-571
• Newton Boys
• Sahara
• Fool's Gold
• Tropic Thunder (small part, but like Tom Cruise he was great for a small moment)
• Ghosts of Girlfriends Past
• Surfer Dude
• Angel in the Outfield (small part, but worth mentioning due to the success of the film)

Top 10 Choices - Comments about why they made the Top 10..just remember I cannot control this, I can only hope to contain it.

10) Reign of Fire- Ok, this one is chosen, not only because he is a tatted American Bad Ass in Britian, or because his name is Denton Van Zan (Lynard Skynard's founding brothers, the Van Zandt's, Southern Rock Gods), but becuase this movie not only has one beefcake for the ladies in it, but three, the other two are; Christian Bale and Gerard Butlar.  So for the ladies there is your menagie-trois of beffcake.  Enjoy!

9)   Wedding Planner - This is up here for the commercial success and the addition of Bridgette Wilson (Sampras at the time), and J-Lo.  I didn't really care for this movie...but I am sure that the ladies did!

8)   How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days - Ok, fun and entertaining, especially when Matt is trying to win a bet, look macho and cater to women all at the same time.  I think Kate Hudson was awesome as the Psycho-hosebeast type, but who can forget the two names for his fallus, "Princess Sophia" and "Krull the Warrior King".

7)   Failure to Launch - Can anyone say Bradley Cooper?...This is one of the earliest movies, I remember seeing Brad, but the premise of the movie was pretty good.  I did enjoy this one, especially all the supporting characters.  Terry Bradshaw naked...ooooooo I bet you girls just went cold then!  Matt's movie has spawned a naming of boys and toys by the name of "Tripp".  Kudo's Matt, I know of a woman who has named a very pricey piece of self-fullfilling equipment by "Tripp"...how, I am so inspired.

6)   EdTV - This was a good pairing of him and Woody Harrelson.  Ellen DeGeneres and Rob Riener got in on the act, as well.  This movie not only was very entertaining, but it also shows the low's of the reality TV business.  Which I might add, this movie was at the front of the "Reality" TV boom, and showed us the absurdities that went into programs like this.  Yet, we have grown to produce more and more crap...that the mindless and unassuming drones, love to feed on!

5)   Contact - Is there life out there?  Matt plays a priest, that sleeps with Jodie Foster, buries her in a formal congressional tribunal then stands by her at the end....all as a Priest...only Matt can pull off a philandering Priest.  You got it there bud light!

4)   We are Marshall - Very moving performance, everytime I watch this I shed a tear and strap on my 5th grade football pads...and try to win one more for the Gipper. This is a true story of a town and its host college's survival after a horrendous plane crash kills most of the football team and coaching staff.  Very moving...

3)   Amistad - Directed by Steven Spielberg, about a courtroom drama of embattled positions over slavery and the acts that freemen do to preserve their freedom and lives.  Very, very moving and wonderfully shot.

2)   A Time to Kill - All I can say is Sandra Bullock and Ashley Judd (shiver and a shake and whoooooo)...Samuel L. Jackson's performance was superb, of course.  However, this movie placed Matt on the map as a serious actor and not just a cliched movie type, in things like buddy movies and stoner flicks.  his performance was very groundbreaking for him personally and commercially.

1)   Dazed and Confused - The one that actually started it all, yes he did a few other things before this, but c'mon...this is what we all still remember and quote to this day.  The quotes from Wooderson a.k.a. Matt

Wooderson: That's what I love about these high school girls, man. I get older, they stay the same age.


Wooderson: Say, man, you got a joint?


Mitch: No, not on me, man.

Wooderson: It'd be a lot cooler if you diid.


Wooderson: Man, it's the same bullshit they tried to pull in my day. If it ain't that piece of paper, there's some other choice they're gonna try and make for you. You gotta do what Randall Pink Floyd wants to do man. Let me tell you this, the older you do get the more rules they're gonna try to get you to follow. You just gotta keep livin' man, L-I-V-I-N.

So today Matt, we salute you and thank you, for the career and the Lesbian turning....Good Game Dammit...you are an awe inspiring somebitch!  

Mattie can turn lesbians straight!  Read more.

http://jam.canoe.ca/Movies/2010/02/18/12925461-wenn-story.html

Valentine's Day has Come and Gone, and I Shot that Little Fat Some Bitch!

I have hated Valentine’s Day in the past, because I was required to do something or should I say forced to something that I didn’t really want to do , which was to be forced to love a person for one day. Don’t get me wrong, I love, and I can love for more than a day…I just hate to be forced into, a day of forced love on a certain day, that in no doubt ever changes on the calendar. Easter jumps all over the place, but that fat little kid’s MF’in day stays constant…the little bastard.

This was how I felt, up until 2-3 years ago. Now I have a new reason to celebrate Feb.14th as a great day, it is my love associates birthday. We choose to celebrate that and make it all about her…you see I can do that...everything is still the same, I love her and buy her a present…except that I am not forced to be romantic or buy jewelry, I am forced to do the “Cupid Shuffle”, and buy shots and drinks…until she passes out…that is the only true way to celebrate love. So here’s to you little fat boy….face down in the gutter from eating to many damn chocolates! Bitch!

Whip It, Whip It Good....

Alright, alright, alright...another movie review. If you haven't noticed, you will now, but the movies I usually watch are DVD rentals. I just finished a wonderful time, with Drew Barrymore's directoral debut...Whip It.

I thought, well maybe, I mean you have Ellen Page, Drew Barrymore and Juliette Lewis, this might be a good time, Dammit  I always hate it when I am right.  When you watch you'll notice that Marcia Gay Harden plays the mom, Daniel Stern plays the dad and the rapper Eve is another teamate on the roller derby squad. If you look real close, you'll notice that the fogotten "Wilson" brother, plays the coach.  Andrew Wilson is brother to Luke and Owen Wilson, and sounds a lot like Owen.

Good times!  This movie was not dull or monotonous, it has great music in it, Drew Barrymore pops in and out of the scenes, more for comic effect and Juliette Lewis, can always pull off the, "bitch you want to hate" character.  She was great as,"Iron Maiven", the whole cast and dialogue was refreshing.  I highly recommend this rental for anyone who thinks that women can't have it all, or at least as much as they can get in a little town in Texas.  Very pro-young-girl-can-do-what-she-wants-type of thing.  I would like to say to Ellen Page, if you do not watch which roles you are taking, you are going to be seriously type-cast as the misunderstood, underacheiving, punk/unpopular smart-girl with glasses, all the time.  Hey that's just me though, it's your world playa...I am just a squirrel trying to get a nut!

As I said wonderfully written and Drew definitely has that "Family" touch, in the directing department.  I am goint to have to give it 4 featherdusters out of 5.  Hey Drew...Good Game!

Calvin and Hobbes Quotes Taken Out Of Context

(So that's what CAHQTOOC stands for)...

They only recognize greatness when some authority confirms it.

I find my life is a lot easier the lower I keep everyone's expectations.

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of
it has tried to contact us.

Life's disappointments are harder to take when you don't know any swear words.

Either he's playing classical music at 78 RPM, or I'm still dreaming.

If something is so complicated that you can't explain it in 10 seconds, then it's probably not worth
knowing anyway.

Who wouldn't be interested in everything we do?!

Nothing helps a bad mood like spreading it around.

it's my dessert that's gross! look, a thermos full of phlegm!

My favorite ritual is eating three bowls of Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs and watching TV
cartoons all Saturday morning.

A good compromise leaves everybody mad.

I hate being good (or trying to fake it).

But I like my idea better.

You know what we need, Hobbes? We need an attitude.

Idiocy is the essence of the male mind.

I thought my life would seem more interesting with a musical score and a laugh track.

Movie Review Time

Ok, I watched the movie Jennifer's Body. I am not really a horror type of person, but I found this movie to be very entertaining. This movie dabbled with the occult, had good music, great references to current sub-cultures and high school banter.

One thing I thought no one could do, was to make Megan Fox look bad, but there is a scene in which she looks very evil and very bad and tore up. Kudos to the make up crew, this made the story very believable. I know that everyone wanted to see the girl-on-girl kissing, which was nice, but the dialogue of the movie was great. Orson Welles used to say that everything starts with the dialogue, once the dialogue is established then the director can begin his visual work. The dialogue was one of the best parts of this movie. There is a scene, I don't want to spoil it for anyone, but Megan Fox's friend (played by Amanda Seyfried), talks to Megan:

Megan Fox: I think the singer wants me.
Amanda Seyfried: Only because he thinks you're a virgin. I heard them talking.
Megan Fox: Yeah, right. I'm not even a backdoor-virgin anymore, thanks to Roman. By the way, that *hurts*. I couldn't even go to flags the next day. I had to stay home and sit on a bag of frozen peas.

This is fresh and funny dialogue. I think this movie was a great rental. I highly suggest it, I give it 4 featherdusters out 5. Bravo!

To the Gosslins

Jon and Kate,

I never watched your show, it didn't look very entertaining and I feel that the powers that be, that are in charge of this platter of shit they pushed to an already bored public, really don't care about the fact that you have prostituted your kids out to the world.

You and your short fat ex, that thinks he's God's gift should really leave the public eye. I mean if the news about you is about your hair cut, or for Jon, which skank he takes somewhere, wearing his played out Ed Hardy wardrobe, then I feel real sorry for the intellect of this country. Did you ever think that you weren't supposed to have kids? Because you couldn't get pregnant on your own. You are bitchy, whiney and above all annoying. Jon, you really are not a sex symbol...I mean hit the gym you little bitch, it might make a difference, Probably not though...I am sick and tired of seeing you two in the news, when all you are famous for is selling your children to the world, and now they have a spilt family, they will have therapy for the rest of their lives, which everyone could see coming, and for what so you two could get famous and have shit given to you? I mean Kate your a bitch and Jon, you have little man's syndrome, probably followed by penis envy cause Kate's dick was bigger than yours. You two should be ashamed of your actions and are just shallow whores yourselves, using children to get yourself famous, when you seriously have no talent for writing, reading, acting, entertaining...you two are just plain users of 8 children that you weren't supposed to have in the first place. You two are the epitomy of all that is wrong in this country and for you two to actually be news, then I am very, very disenchanted with the current journalism establishment of this country.

I wish you two would drop off the face of the Earth, and let your children live in peace.

The Office Jedi and his Padawan Learner

I will be adding to the rest of the antics troughout the day, as the muse dictates.

I know it has been a few moons since we have last conversed. The muse for today demands that I share some office antics that my co-workers and I have used to consummate friendships. Some of these are just pointless and random, but you should’ve been there to see it…it was levity for all ages! To my lady of perpetual pregnancy, who is trying to learn a new word every week, “levity” is the lack of seriousness at the inappropriate time. However, I would say that it was at the appropriate time.

First imagine that you are in a crisis mode atmosphere at work, everything is hot, the company must spend money fast and frivolously. The entire department is forced to work 55-60 hours a week, this means coming in on Saturdays. I mean this is for everyone, even if you have nothing to do. I had a few colleagues that downloaded music (back when you could do it at work), I knew of some guys finding a shady spot and napping, or reading novels at their desk for 8 hours straight.

However there was an office Jedi who taught me the ways of the business world and the subtlety of office humor and pranks. This was our mission to open the doors of mediocrity and let loose the dogs of comedy. If I was to be Luke Skywalker in this office, then he was definitely Obi-wan Kenobi of the facility. If you watch “The Office”, watch the episode about the Carpet. My sensei embodies the trinity of “The Office”, specifically from the Carpet episode; Michael Scott, Jim Halpert and Dwight Schrute. This man has no equal and it was he that set forth the creative anarchy and malfeasant office play that I am renowned for today.

In the beginning there was work. Then stress reared its ugly head. Then High Blood Pressure, followed by heavy drinking and smoking…this is when he stepped in to save me from becoming a lifeless worker drone, who always told the Man, “Hi!” as I went to work. He showed me the ways of the force and he set me free from being boring, unimportant and socially barren. Although, I learned later that without no sacrifice there is no glory, which means in office terms, if you play around eventually you will lose your job and become unemployed. Dammit...he forgot to mention that when he was bounced out of the security gates never to return.

Well, this is not about the eventuality of being down-sized, furloughed, canned, etc. This is about making the best of a pointless and monotonous situation that turns one into an office Demi-god. The ladies want you and every computer geek wants to be you. These stories are actual events. I have changed the names to protect the guilty and conniving bitches that worked there. I hope some of you conniving bitches are straddling an electrical fence with no way off, and every time your feet touch the ground you are shocked with 50,00 volts through your “Ball-sacks”, so now we have a picture of you jumping up and down on a wire getting shocked every time you go down (he he he)….you know who you are! Alas, I digress and I must drive forth to the antics for the day, please enjoy….cause I sure in the hell did.

The Tricycle Ride:

Have you ever seen the movies Grumpy Old Men or Grumpier Old Men? Every time Jack Lemmon or Walter Matthieu pulled into Chuck’s bait shop, they always knocked the trash cans over. So, let me think of how I can take this hilarious part of this movie and transpose it onto my life and make me and my Mentor laugh hysterically, while also putting ourselves out there for the entire world to see. This helped in scoring with the Ladieths of Accounting.

The ride of the tricycle is not unlike any other devil-may-care trip you might take with a friend or two. The only difference is that these “trikes”, were meant for company use and transport of company materials, yeah whatever. They were rusty, orange, they had “Heidi” type wire baskets behind the seat and every one of the trikes squeaked as you pedaled. Despite the fact that all of us that wore the “Lab Coat of Shame” we looked very feminine while riding these big tricycles.

One of our main tasks was to ride from one end of the facility to the other, either to accounting or purchasing to settle P.O.’s, or payments to suppliers. So, Obi-wan jumped on a trike, I jumped on another and away we went, pedaling and laughing at the idiots that had to walk…boy were they really queer! However looking back, if you would’ve saw us in our safety glasses and lab coats riding a three wheeled death machine, then you would’ve laughed more at us, cause we looked like two geeky professors on a lovefest ride to the next Mac Expo.

I would like to say that as we rode down to wherever our destination was supposed to be, I would always let my mentor get just far enough ahead of me that he didn’t pay attention to what I was doing. Are you paying attention to the story? This is where the plot thickens. I would allow him to stop, but not be stopped so long as to not get off the trike yet, before I came barreling through the path and rear ended him. My tire went underneath his trike, lifted it up to where his feet couldn’t touch the ground. So he was sitting there trying to touch the ground but couldn’t while I was behind him laughing hysterically and pushing my tire in further (holy spectacles…that sounded MF’ing gay). It was funny as hell though, because these two metal contraptions crashed and clanged loud and everyone would look out their windows “to see what rose such a clatter”. My mentor always turned red in the face and laughed uncontrollably as if he had sat on vibrating feather duster. After the applause from in the building died down, along with the laughter and finger pointing, I took it upon myself to answer the call of the “office”…this meant I would have to stop like this every time I would ride a trike, and dammit I did for 4 more years. It got to be so routine, that my mentor would ride in front then stop and just crouch up and wait for it….I would always say gently, “shhhhhhh, just take it.” Then WHAM! Right in the trike ass!....ohhh hell, you should’ve been there.

FUTURE STORIES-

Taking a Computer Out of the Facility (Piece by Piece):

Playing Video Games on the Night Shift:

The Ladieths of Accounting:

Stealing Food from Meetings We Weren’t Invited too:

Annoying the Managers with Sly, but Off the Wall Comments:

The Little Blue Building:

The Hall of Shame:

The Contractor’s Trailer:

John Edwards Sex Scandal

Who really cares if John Edwards is caught on a sex tape....I mean do you really care. He is not President, he stepped down from being a Senator...and still the only hold on fame he has is some sex tape...yes he cheated...but 35% of the male population cheats (this is a conservative number)....you should trust me.

Conversations Taken Out of Context

These are Conversations/Quotations Taken out of Context.

During a snow storm:
Man: Try to catch it with your tongue.
Woman: I can’t they keep flying to the back of my throat.

Working in the Garage:
Woman: Can you grab this and tap the hole for me…?
Man: (Has a smirk on his face) Sure!
Woman: Every time I try to use it to tap the hole, I end up banging my fingers until they hurt!

“I was asked to come to Chicago because Chicago is one of our fifty-two states.” - Racquel Welch

“I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada.” — Britney Spears

“I’ve never really wanted to go to Japan. Simply because I don’t like eating fish. And I know that’s very popular out there in Africa.” — Britney Spears

“So, where’s the Cannes Film Festival being held this year?” — Christina Aguilera

“I think that the film Clueless was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think lightness has to come from a very deep place if it’s true lightness.” — Alicia Silverstone

“I’ve got taste. It’s inbred in me.” — David Hasselhoff

“Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost an important part of your life.” — Brooke Shields