That's All I'm Sayin'

This, the day before the "National Hangover Day", I must say I have had one of those nights. You know what I am talking about, like when you wake up the next morning at least 5 people tell you all the dumb-ass stunts you pulled and how you made an ass of yourself especially when talking to others. Last night was no exception.

Let me preface this with some background. I have tried all kinds of alcohol for all kinds of reasons. However what turns my frown upside down, is some of Kentucky's finest. It cannot be just any type of "drink" though, I have tried all kinds, but there is a certain one that holds a special place in my heart...Let's just call it E-Dub, for now.

Any who, (whoa, still a little tipsy) if I drink this elixer, then it has to be 750mL to a Liter's worth, but I should only drink between 1/2 to 3/4 of the bottle (are you as confused as I am)...and here's why. Any more and I would be as worthless as a poopie flavored lollipop. Any less, and it would just make me thirsty, Dammit!. However, when entering in this range of goodness and fortune, of bliss and radiance, I find that there are some side effects that have elevated my status to some of those around me. I dare to say, that when engrossed in the charcter the exudes from me, with the help of the E-Dub, I simply and plainly become a Rock Star! (Woo Hoo Bitches)

So, I have been informed from a woman that shall remain nameless and may be a bit sore and bruised, as of right now, I was informed that while being under the influence of this "potion of might", I become a "Sexual Tyrannosaurus". This was not the first time I had been told this...actually the same nameless, bruised, beast of a woman told me this the very first time I sipped the goodness that is the E-Dub. Both stories are very similar, in their tales of my conquering exploits and good cheer for all, however they also share the same experiences for me, in which, I can't remember a damn thang!

I have been told, you cannot even tell that I am passed the point of no return, I never slur my words, I act great and I am a bit hyper. However, on to the skinfest. The first time I drank the "Waters of Kentucky", I apparently pulled this woman's pants down, in the kitchen, threw her up on the counter and proceeded to make swift, sweet love to her on the kitchen counter. After about 20-30 minutes of straight hammering, I stopped told her I was going out for a cigerette and I would be back for her in a few moments (I am just repeating what I have heard). Upon my return she said she was better prepared for me...if you ever knew me at all, don't ever try to challenge me or be "prepared for me", because I will always try to one-up you. So in this case, it was the same way, there was some hair-pulling, which there was some hair in my hands the next morning, there was some choking, with both my hands and my legs...(yeah, think about it), there was a 59, and then I passed out after about another few hours of said recreation. Last night all the same stuff happened, except for a new interesting twist, apparently I forced this woman, who is not a latina, but I forced her to try and speak spanish to me and call me "Poppie". Hmm, who knew right? Well, this morning I had scratches and bite marks and my toenails were polished, and for some reason there was a goat in my room.

Whatever, hey all I know is that I will be ringing in the New Year with Mr. Williams, so ladies...."Look but don't touch...unless you can speak Spanish."

Happy New year, Bitches!!!

And, that's all I'm sayin'.

The Spider Monkey Encounter

I was dating this woman (YEA!, right?), anyways I was drinking a light dinner at a nearby restaurant, when to my dismay in walks the woman I was dating with what appeared to be two hyper-spider monkies running up and down her back and holding on to her leg. If one was roosting in her hair, then the other one would be doing a figure eight through her legs as she walked. I began to slide ever so gently to the back of the room and tried to become just a backdrop of scenery. However, I was spotted by the "All-Seeing Stink Eye", which had found me, and was not releasing me from its grasp until I had paid homage to the goddess of the spider monkies.

So there I was held in bondage, scared and about to wet myself. As she moved closer, my chest got tighter and heavier, then it happened...liquid courage kicked in (thank you God for the a-a-a-a-a-a-alcohol). Whew, I can handle this now, she came over and sat down and to my horrified delight, Thing 1 and Thing 2 were actually twin boys, aged about 7 years. As we began our formal introductions, "we" (me and these two little terrorists), began to size each other up. I could see it in their little eyes that they wanted to try and break me...That's when I knew I had them, I can play this game too boys. That's when they chimed up and asked if I was dating their mom. I said yes, then all of the sudden they both said, "We are telling our Dad!" I said good, tell him if he needs to talk my name is, Blah "D", Blah.

Lets put a little history in this story. This woman's ex-husband, these two heatheren's father, was a little off of his rocker. He apparently had a little man's complex even though he was 5' 20"...he hounded this woman and always berated and annoyed her. He would talk bad about her to those boys...which at this time I began planning my exit strategy, cause I just knew I would wake up with some scissors in my temple.

Now, at this point a little more of that damn liquid courage kicked in, I don't know about you, but the "drink" makes me 10-foot tall and bulletproof, and for some reason I seem to think I can philosophize, so I start talking...and in my head it sounds good, but when it comes out, it's clicks, weezes and chirps. These two gremlins, began their interrogation of me...and lets just say I was ready. When they asked me my name, I was not really ready for what came out, but lets just say my filter was off and my mouth was running. They asked me what the "D" stood for, so I told them what every man has always wanted to say in real life, I said it stood for "Dangerous". The look on their faces was priceless. The funny thing about 7 year olds is that they are very impressionable, but they never forget...ever! Okay, let's run with that and move to the next part of the story.

So, we finished our questions had a nice morsel of food, then everyone went to their homes. The next week I was told by the woman of this story, that her two boys went to their dad's for visitation. Just for your F.Y.I, these two boys have their "tell all" setting on 10, if you know what I mean. They went to their dad's telling him that their mom has a new boyfriend, to which he arrogantly asked, "Oh, yeah, so what's this loser's name?"...here is where you need to stop and pay attention, never, ever, think that what you say doesn't matter, first impressions are everything, especially when it comes by word of mouth. The boys in unison said his name was Blah, "D", Blah. To which ol' boy says,"So what does the "D" stand for?". Really? Can it be that easy? Please say it ain't so...anyways, in perfect clarity and harmony, they both said, "The 'D', stands for 'Dangerous'!". I wouldn't have believed it, but those little poop factories had to tell me as soon as they returned to their mother's house. They returned as if they were victorious in some "Battle of the Buttons", or something.

Hey, if I'm lying, I'm dying!

I have been told...

"Don't jelly if you can't jam!"
"Its just a pinky!"
"Really, is that what we are doing today?"
"Shhhh....just take it!"
"Your hair is luxurus!"
"But we're the fun bitches!"
"It's 2009, bitch!"
"I hate you!"
"I hate it here!"
"If you go to a sausagefest, make sure to bring your own buns!"
"Use your inside voice, before I put your ass outside!"
"Don't let your meatloaf!"

That Dreaded Parent Talk with a Teen about Sex

I was quizzing my 14 year old, about who he was texting that had him distracted from opening packages on Christmas day. He told me that it was the girl he escorted at homecoming...so I began to feel weak. I remembered this 14 year old girl. She had an eyebrow ring, belly button piercing and who knows what else was pierced. To which my son said, that's one of the reasons why I think she is so hot! So Dad, stepped back for a moment, stared into the eyes of this young man, who...up until this time he only saw as a young child, now the son was noticing the proverbial "wild girl" and he was hot on her trail.

So, I had prepared in my mind to head this off at the pass. I asked him to sit down, we had a few things to discuss. I stared at him for a moment, and I believe I was more afraid of the conversation than he appeared to be. Pardon the expression, but I began to explain the "in's and out's" about sex, all the time preaching about safe sex, use of condoms, blah, blah, blah. Once I was close to the end of my sermon on sex, which if I do say so myself, was very well articulated and prepared. I looked at my son, and all I saw was the ol' "deer in the headlights" look. I said so what are you thinking...he paused for a second, appeariing as to try and let me down slowly. He said Dad, I know about sex, I know how it works and protection and all of that. I was hoping you would help me in understanding what girls want, and then how to talk to them. So, my mouth was left open a bit and a fly flew into it, so I spit it out and gagged at my son's response. All he wanted from me, was how to be sociable with the fairer sex. OMG WTF!!!

This is where some of my friends can chime in...I am going to tell you what I said to this, but let me know if it is the right advice, is there any better advice?

Now, I was taken back by this situation. However, my ego began to swell. I sat my son down and began to explain the depths of the "Art of Social Interaction and Conversation". Now, my main focus with him, is that he acts like most teen boys and they act like they are indifferent towards a girl, or they are sort of blah about discussing serious topics or making any decisions, especially when the girl throws out an obvious suggestion about the two of them spending time together. I told him, that there were three keys to being social and conversing with the "Ladies".

1. Make Eye Contact and keep that contact, don't look away. This is like a hunter keeping his eyes on his prey. I told him that this was the most important, because you can tell a lot about a person from the first moment you make eye contact.
2. Speak directly. Don't talk in circles, don't be unsure of anything, tell her exactly what you think and what you want, in a nice way of course, but neverthless, tell her how you are feeling or more directly, ask her how she is feeling...and always take an interest in anything she does...with eye contact of course.
3. Always be quick with an answer or something that will lighten the mood and make her laugh. I told him to always act as if he has the answers, and always answer every question, whether its the wrong answer or not, more often the wrong answers make her laugh and she will be more comfortable around you. Most important of this answer was to always have confidence.

He is still in the infancy stages of this mentoring, and the lessons continue, but I think he will eventually get it, if he just throws himself out there.

When is Enough, Enough?

So this is the beginning...I have something to say about everything. I am just throwing this first one out there as more of an example. I do appreciate questions, I will also comment on things at large. I hope you enjoy it, as much as I do.

I would like to tell "L" to the "D" to the "O" to the double "G", I am sorry for using our previous conversation but I had to begin and test with something. Can you dig it? I knew that you could. Ok, I am setting out to help a few people, as well as, myself in this little turbulent rat race called life. However, if you need anything, just ask and you will receive. So without anymore gilding the Lilly and with no more adieu, here we go.

Question: I am a 24 yr. old female and When you love someone, I mean REALLY love someone, when do you get to the point of enough is enough?

Just Steve Says: "When Enough is Enough"

Only you can make that determination. i know it sucks to hear, but the reason I say that is this...I have had experiences that were uninvolved at the time. They ran their course, passionate, then fighting...then baby-making, then more fighting. The one thing I always wanted to do with that person was to have fun and explore life, before all the long-term commitment planning began.

What i am trying to say is:

1. Do you see yourself with this person in 10 years, and as you visualize this, do you see you two happy and that he is changed? If so, I can tell you that for men, we do not change...we only get worse about our opinions and how we think. i am a little different from most, but I am still a slave to my gender's stupidity.
2. Do you see yourself having children with this person? (if the answer to #1 is no, then this answer better be a hell no!) Do I really need to go into this, you are in your mid twenties. 30 feels like 25, hell 35 feels like 21, all I'm sayin' is you have plenty of time. Stop trying to look for the one...when you are ready for your soul mate, he or she ; ) will appear.
3. When you pictured spending the rest of your life with someone, did you visualize the sunsets or the riding off on the white horse? Because if so, you need to start visualizing him drinking beer, watching T.V. and passing gas in front of you and the kids. Everyday life is tough. When my girlfriend and I started dating, she had such anxiety attacks that she was prescribed Xanax. The anxiety attacks were induced by heavy financial and child related burdens that she was shouldering on her own. It takes someone who truly wants to be with you and be the counterpart in your life that can help ease daily life's burdens. This counterpart can help you get back to normal, this is what happened in my situation, I stepped up and helped out and she began to have fewer and fewer attacks, until they are almost non-existent (except for when her mom shows up). When you see this person, do you see him being unselfish and giving himself over to shield you from the hurts of this world that you endure physically, as well as, mentally? I'll be honest, in my other relationships I didn't do that. They never appreciated me and what I offered, however, they did like it and took advantage of my generosity. So much so that it became a full-time give and take relationship, I gave and they took. There needs to be a balance...it all comes back to balance. You have to compliment each other. For example, let's say you go shopping for a men's pajama top. You get to the store and all they have are the tops and bottoms together, a sign says, "No splitting the top from the bottom". Then you get a call from your "Mr. Wonderful" and he says, "Babe, I need to get a pair of pajama bottoms." As, some Texan might say, "...and that's how its done!". You see, the couple is in sync with one another. Even if he didn't call, you know he only likes the bottoms and you like the tops...this is complimenting. What I am saying is look at how you two fit together, is it a complimentary relationship? Or is it trying to fit a square peg in a round hole? You know it can fit, but you are going to have to beat it and fit it all the way until the peg gets through. Then once on the other side, the peg and hole no longer resemble their former selves before this pairing took place.

Now how much are you willing to endure? You are a beautiful, smart young woman with the world by the balls. I really think you need to spend more time getting to know yourself, because only you can make you happy. The choices you make, especially in relationships will establish your happiness. Like Ice Cube says, "Chiggity-Check yo'self before you wreck yo'self!" I have a hard time believing that this type of relationship is what you want, you are too funny and caring to be asking this question in the first place.

So to answer your question, "What is are you willing to put up with?" Are you happy all day...maybe sometimes....never? Do you get unnerved sometimes when his number comes up, I know sometimes you get excited, but do the unnerved times out weigh the excited times. If yes, then you need to reevaluate Who and what makes you happy. Everyone deserves to be happy. More than being sad, I think you deserve to be happy all day and all night, year round! So why aren't you? I think you don't see yourself how others see you.

But if this helps think of this:

love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

This speaks volumes of what love is. "Love Is..." what? Put his name where the word "Love" is, and put "he" in place of "it". Then re-read it. Does he do all of those things? I seriously doubt it, it is very difficult.

One last story, I know this couple and earlier this year he went on a training trip for work. He went with a woman, who he knew was trouble and had made a request to his boss, that he not go alone with her. the boss denied it and said that they would be alright. Well he knew the whole time he was leaving with this person, yet failed to tell his partner. Once he left town with this woman she became such an overpowering force, due to alcohol and drugs, that he partook in her craziness. Whether well intentioned or not that was his second mistake. Once the journey had continued for a ways, he became inebriated and received a DUI and spent the night in jail, in another state I might add. He made his phone call to his partner who was furious, but i want to add not with him, with the situation. You see it takes that special person to see past all the proverbial pooh and see you for you and that bad situations happen to good people. Anyways, this guy thought he had lost her for good, when she showed up to the jail to bail him out, he was told it was his mother that was there. This made him breakdown and cry for two reasons, he knew that if his mom was there, she is in bad health and he could not bear to see her broken face and body, due to his stupidity, Two, he knew for sure that his soul mate had said enough is enough, you are on your own. However, when he walked out of the cell and was led to the front, there stood his partner, which made him cry even more. He knew that she was there despite her feelings of mistrust and anger towards everything that had happened. He told me that he reflected for just a few moments and realized that if she could love him like that, after being picked up for DUI, with another woman in the car and $1000 bail, then he knew he had found his "One". I have spoken with him briefly and told me that, since that day, he has lived like it would be his last with her. This is what he has told me, "When we get up, I make her laugh. When go to sleep, I make her laugh. If she needs me to go to the store, I go. If she wants to sleep, I occupy the kids and let her. If she wants to go with her friends, I let her, because she trusted me when she had no reason too." He believes that, no other woman in the world would have done what she did. He also said, "...for the kind of trust she has shown me, a person could never buy or steal what she is giving, a person can only earn it." He said he will be spending the rest of his life trying to payback her trust, loyalty and devotion to him, especially at a time when he never deserved it. Is this how you see your relationship?

When is enough, enough? I tell you what, when you figure it out, you tell me. The only thing I know is that love does...it finds its place...and it knows its place and the only thing that love does is cultivate and grow a relationship until it begins to bear good fruit. Love doesn't always try to block you from your friends or family or the things that you enjoy. Love is a constant, it always makes you laugh in the morning and laugh at night. It make you laugh every minute in between. You know what, love never says, "enough is enough", love says, "I can't or haven't done enough for you", to the other person, because love is not about being selfish.

So when is enough, enough? I hope I just answered it, if not think of this...even if that question comes to your mind, then enough has been enough.