The Spider Monkey Encounter

I was dating this woman (YEA!, right?), anyways I was drinking a light dinner at a nearby restaurant, when to my dismay in walks the woman I was dating with what appeared to be two hyper-spider monkies running up and down her back and holding on to her leg. If one was roosting in her hair, then the other one would be doing a figure eight through her legs as she walked. I began to slide ever so gently to the back of the room and tried to become just a backdrop of scenery. However, I was spotted by the "All-Seeing Stink Eye", which had found me, and was not releasing me from its grasp until I had paid homage to the goddess of the spider monkies.

So there I was held in bondage, scared and about to wet myself. As she moved closer, my chest got tighter and heavier, then it happened...liquid courage kicked in (thank you God for the a-a-a-a-a-a-alcohol). Whew, I can handle this now, she came over and sat down and to my horrified delight, Thing 1 and Thing 2 were actually twin boys, aged about 7 years. As we began our formal introductions, "we" (me and these two little terrorists), began to size each other up. I could see it in their little eyes that they wanted to try and break me...That's when I knew I had them, I can play this game too boys. That's when they chimed up and asked if I was dating their mom. I said yes, then all of the sudden they both said, "We are telling our Dad!" I said good, tell him if he needs to talk my name is, Blah "D", Blah.

Lets put a little history in this story. This woman's ex-husband, these two heatheren's father, was a little off of his rocker. He apparently had a little man's complex even though he was 5' 20"...he hounded this woman and always berated and annoyed her. He would talk bad about her to those boys...which at this time I began planning my exit strategy, cause I just knew I would wake up with some scissors in my temple.

Now, at this point a little more of that damn liquid courage kicked in, I don't know about you, but the "drink" makes me 10-foot tall and bulletproof, and for some reason I seem to think I can philosophize, so I start talking...and in my head it sounds good, but when it comes out, it's clicks, weezes and chirps. These two gremlins, began their interrogation of me...and lets just say I was ready. When they asked me my name, I was not really ready for what came out, but lets just say my filter was off and my mouth was running. They asked me what the "D" stood for, so I told them what every man has always wanted to say in real life, I said it stood for "Dangerous". The look on their faces was priceless. The funny thing about 7 year olds is that they are very impressionable, but they never forget...ever! Okay, let's run with that and move to the next part of the story.

So, we finished our questions had a nice morsel of food, then everyone went to their homes. The next week I was told by the woman of this story, that her two boys went to their dad's for visitation. Just for your F.Y.I, these two boys have their "tell all" setting on 10, if you know what I mean. They went to their dad's telling him that their mom has a new boyfriend, to which he arrogantly asked, "Oh, yeah, so what's this loser's name?"...here is where you need to stop and pay attention, never, ever, think that what you say doesn't matter, first impressions are everything, especially when it comes by word of mouth. The boys in unison said his name was Blah, "D", Blah. To which ol' boy says,"So what does the "D" stand for?". Really? Can it be that easy? Please say it ain't so...anyways, in perfect clarity and harmony, they both said, "The 'D', stands for 'Dangerous'!". I wouldn't have believed it, but those little poop factories had to tell me as soon as they returned to their mother's house. They returned as if they were victorious in some "Battle of the Buttons", or something.

Hey, if I'm lying, I'm dying!